Jokes
Nighthawk originally wrote this as a Post, but I’ve converted it into a page and given it a home in the navigation. The information posted below the dashed line was added by Nighthawk. So, let’s see those jokes!!
(No dirty ones, please!)
-dave
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I guess I just as well kick this page off with a few things from the old site and hopefully nobody will get mad at me…
Cell Phone
There’s a bunch of guys in the locker room of the posh golf club. A cell phone rings and one of the men picks it up:
Man: Hello ?
Woman: Hi honey, you’re at the club ? Man: Yes dear
Woman: Oh honey, I jus saw the most fabulous outfit, only $3300, can I buy it ? Man: Sure honey !
Woman: Just found out that the Mercedes dealer got the new model in, only $80.000 Man: OK order it, but for that money I want all the extra’s in it.
Woman: And you know what, the house we’ve been looking at last year is up for sale again, they’re asking $1.200.000 Man: My precious, you just make a firm offer of $1.100.000 and go for it !
At this time all the guys in the locker room were gazing at him, he looks back and asks: Anyone know who’s cell phone this is ?
cheers, Leo.
REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I’ D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, “THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YOU’ MOTHER, BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’ I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
‘A Cat’s Guide To Human Beings’
So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human’s Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
- Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
- Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
- Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
- After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
- While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
I have many more of these… Matter of fact I think that I saved all of the jokes from the old site.
Maybe I’ll put some more of them up some day, but until then, Have Fun!
August 30th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Company letter
Dear employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our nu mber of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers)
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management
September 1st, 2008 at 5:04 am
Did you know that more children on born on LABOR day than any other day? LOL, get it? LABOR—DAY? LOL Ok, fine, kitty go take a kat-nap now.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:37 am
What does Drug Dealers have in common with Cockroaches?
Get rid of one and ten more take its place.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:43 am
Hey! I just thought of another funny one… LOL!!!!!!
IF I KEEP THIS UP THEN MAYBE THE STUPID DRUG DEALERS WILL GET THE BRIGHT
IDEA TO COME AFTER ME OR SOMETHING!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:45 am
Why did the Drug Dealer cross the road?
Because he ran out of stash and needed to get some more off the neighbor. LOL!
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:50 am
Did anyone get the joke in comment number 4?
“BRIGHT”? Get it?
It its burned out, how can it be bright?
September 7th, 2008 at 8:00 am
I just noticed that the word comment has been substituted with the word REPLY, and that the word comments has been replaced by the word RESPONSES.
So we are no longer Commentators and are now RESPONDENTS.
A True Bill Of Particulars Please? Comes to mind…