Fun Stuff
We will be adding more and more games as we roll along, so if you don’t see your favorite right now, just hold on. We’ll be adding plenty of fun stuff soon!
We’re starting a new feature called “Game of the Week”, where we will spotlight a different addicting and time-wasting game each week. After a game takes a turn in the spotlight, it will be added to our games list (listed below the Game of the Week). So have fun!
Game of the Week: September 14, 2007
Biggification…
This one is pretty addicting, and a bit frustrating…what a perfect combo!
Play Games at AddictingGames
Remember to check the games list, below, for your favorite games once they move out of the spotlight.Tetris
July 14th, 2007 at 1:44 am
We need our JOKE PAGE back. Really miss the funnies.
;;)
July 14th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
I dont see any category to add jokes to so I’ll try this as a comment.
Ten differences between a Doctor and a Pastor
From the old site…
Originally Posted by Kat at 2005-11-18 02:21 PM
This really doesn’t come under “jokes” but I didn’t know where else to put it………
THOUGHT PROVOKING !
1. The Doctor charges outrageous fees and you complain, but you come back the next time you are sick. The Pastor preaches that you should pay your tithes and you leave the church.
2. The Doctor checks how much you weigh and you allow him. The Pastor asks how much you pray and it’s none of his business.
3. The Doctor says, “Please disrobe” and you do it without question. The Pastor preaches that you should dress modestly and he is getting too personal.
4. The Doctor gives you a nasty tasting pill and you take it. The Pastor feeds you the Word and you say, ” no thank you.”
5. The Doctor’s office closes at a certain time. The Pastor is to be available, awake and ready twenty-four hours a day.
6. The Doctor tells you how to change your lifestyle to lower your blood pressure. The Pastor tells you how to change your lifestyle and it raises your blood pressure.
7. The Doctor tells you we need to run more tests, so you make an appointment. The Pastor says we need more Prayer Meetings and Bible Studies and you are too busy.
8. The Doctor says, “There is nothing more we can do”, and you search high and low for one who can help. The Pastor says, “God can help you”, and you give up and say “What’s the use.”
9. The Doctor says, “Try this and see if it works and if it doesn’t we’ll try something else”, so you do. The Pastor gives you the promises of God’s Word and you don’t like to “Walk by faith.”
10. To the Doctor, you are just another customer. To the Pastor, you are a part of the family. He loves you. He prays for you. He helps carry your burdens. He laughs with you and cries with you.
July 14th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
A sub-page titled “Jokes” would have been in order for my last comment. Jokes could then be posted under the “Jokes” page. I would have created it, but dont have the permissions lol… maybe best
July 16th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
COP JOKES
————
Traffic Stop
1st Officer: “Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?”
2nd Officer: “Who?”
1st Officer: “Janet Jackson!”
2nd Officer: “What she do, was she speeding?”
1st Officer: “Nah, she had one headlight out.”
_________________________________
Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
10. Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop”.
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
__________________________________
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
__________________________________
The Helpful Wife
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What’s the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
July 16th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
DUI
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
July 16th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Deputy Gomer
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”
“11″ he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”
“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
“Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
“It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”
July 16th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
COP JOKES
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
__________________________________
In Hot Pursuit
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
“Hey,” asked the brunette at the wheel, “see any cops following us?”
The blonde turned around for a long look. “As a matter of fact, I do.”
“Oh, NOOOO!” yelled the brunette. “Are his flashers on?”
The blonde turned around again. “Yup…nope…yup…nope…yup…”
———————————-
Bubba & Earl
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?”, asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?,” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No, sir,” said Earl while pointing at the labels. “We’re on the patch.”
July 16th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
THE BIBLE AND A BURGLAR
Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in
the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled …
“Stop! Acts 2:38 !”
“Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand
there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?!” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s!”
PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.
And remember…Knowing scripture can save your life in more ways than
one.
July 16th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
THE WORLDS WORST COP JOKE
Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
“How are you going to assist me?” asked Quasimodo.
“That’s easy!” replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
“That’s amazing!” said Quasimodo. “Could you show me that again?”
“Sure!” said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, “Does anyone know who he is?”
Quasimodo came out and said…
“I DON’T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!”
July 16th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Two elderly retired buckeye blondes heard about the bands playing in Owingsville’s town square this summer and decided to come down hyre to ole Cantuck to see.
Well a couple of saturdays ago there was a huge line of traffic backed up outside of town and a deputy was comming back from Maysville and ran into the line of traffic and hit the lights to pass the line of cars to see what the hold up was.
That line of cars was over a mile long with even tractors and combines an such stuck rolling along at a much redused speed for the road.
He finally got up to the front of the line to find these two Buckeye bluehair chicks in their 64 econoline convertable just crawling along. He got on the megaphone and yelled “pull it over girls” and they looked shocked and real nervous. The Deputy flagged the traffic on by and that took a few minuets, by then the girls had all their papers ready, registration on up.
The officer finally came up and said whats the hold up girls, nice straight road, pretty day, didn’t you see all the traffic back there?
We were doing the speed limit officer! Exclaimed the lady beside the driver.
“See up there another sign …
36″ it said.
The officer chuckeled a big belly laugh. “Mam thats the road number!”
about this time he noticed the
lady that was at the wheel turned white and put her head down and was hyperventalting.
The deputy, being alarmed asked
“Mam are you alright! I am not gonna give you a ticket!”
Lowly she said to her compainion who was also now quite upset, “tell him Margret”
she said still looking down.
“oh, my, oh my, oohh my…
she wailed.
“What!” said the deputy.
Then bothe the buckeye ladies
fanning their faces with their
hands,
at the same time said.
“we just got off route one eleven!”
July 18th, 2007 at 2:53 am
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.”
Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see “Closed for the winter.”
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?”
“No, Silly, ” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: “This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos….. it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.”
“Wow, said the blonde, “that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’s that? ” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos….. it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied….. …”Two popsicles and some coffee.”
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.” The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, “Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.”
“Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
“What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” he asks. “No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!”
July 18th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
;;) ;;)
July 20th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
A Frog Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller
He can see from her name plate that her name is
Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to
take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his
name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad
is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank
manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the
loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a
tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright
pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty
explains that she’ll have to
consult with the bank manager and disappears into a
back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog
called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you
and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this
as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
“I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a
loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
(You’re singing it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you
are……..)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you
grinned, I know you did!!!
July 20th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
Life After Death
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife,and fell into a deep sleep .
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You
died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be, I’ve got too much
to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go
back: as a chicken.”
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the n ew hen, eh? How’s your
first day here”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange
feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. ” Don ‘t tell me
you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just relax and let it happen.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an
egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the
back of his head, and heard his wife shout;
“Dammit, Ralph! Wake up.
You’re shitting in the bed!”
July 20th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
A LITTLE OLD LADY
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags,
and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policemen stops her - “Ma’am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag…” “Damm!” says the little old lady…I’d better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for he warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”
“So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say
$20 or off it comes!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good lukc! By the way,
what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, say the little old lady, “not all of them pay up”…
July 20th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
DO YOU SEE JESUS ?
This man is walking down the road and he decides that he is going to baptized the next person he comes across, so a bit down the road he runs across this man and drags him over to the pond and dunks him under the water and brings him back up and says to the man, “Do you see Jesus?”, the man said, “No”. He dunks him back under the water and brings him up again, and says, “You see Jesus yet?”, the man again replied, “No”. The man dunks him under the water for the 3rd time and brings him back up and says once again, “Do you see Jesus yet?”, the man said, “NO! Are you sure he fell in here?”
July 20th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives
in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you
settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see
a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re
not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let
me in,” says the man. “Well, I’d like to, but I have
orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend
one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
wh ere to >spend eternity.” “Really, I’ve made up my
mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator. “I’m
sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down,down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds
himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the
distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had
worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening
dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and
reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people. They play a
friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really
is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and
telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone
gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises… The elevator goes up, up, up and the
door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for
him.”Now it’s time to visit heaven.” So, 24 hours
pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and
singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes
it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your eternity.” The senator
reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been
delightful, but I think I would be better off in
hell.” So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to & gt;hell. Now the doors of
the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm
around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers
the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne,and danced and had a great
time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and
my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil
looks at him, smiles and says,
Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.
July 20th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
The daughter of a Soldier
Last week I was in Atlanta, Georgia attending a
conference. While I was in the airport, returning
home, I heard several people behind me beginning to
clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and
witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I
have ever seen.
Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in
their camo’s, as they began heading to their gate
everyone (well, almost everyone) was abruptly to their
feet with their hands waving and cheering. When I saw
the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded
and cheered for it hit me. I’m not alone. I’m not the
only red blooded American who still loves this country
and supports our troops and their families.
Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for
these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives
on the line every day for us so we can go to school,
work and home without fear or reprisal. Just when I
thought I could not be more proud of my country or of
our service men and women a young girl, not more than
6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers.
He kneeled down and said “hi,” the little girl then
she asked him if he would give something to her daddy
for her. The young soldier, he didn’t look any older
than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did
she want to give to her daddy.
Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this
soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and
then kissed him on the cheek. The mother of the little
girl, who said her daughters name was Courtney, told
the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and
had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was
explaining how much her daughter, Courtney, missed her
father, the young soldier began to tear up.
When this temporarily single mom finished explaining
her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together
for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen
pulled out a military looking walkie-talkie. They
started playing with the device and talking back and
forth on it. After about 10-15 seconds of this, the
young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down
and said this to her, “I spoke to your daddy and he
told me to give this to you.” He then hugged this
little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss
on the cheek. He finished by saying “your daddy told
me to tell you that he loves you more than anything
and he is coming home very soon.”
The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably
and as the young soldier stood to his feet he saluted
Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6
feet away from this entire event when it unfolded.
As the soldiers began to leave, heading toward their
gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there
applauding and looked around, there were very few dry
eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last
act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to
Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.
We need to remember every day all of our soldiers and
their families and thank God for them and their
sacrifices. At the end of the day, it’s good to be an
American.
Red Friday Just keeping you “in the loop” so you’ll
know what’s going on in case this takes off.
RED FRIDAYS —– Very soon, you will see a great many
people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? Americans
who support our troops used to be called the “silent
majority.” We are no longer silent, and are voicing
our love for God, country and home in record breaking
numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or
overbearing. We get no liberal media coverage on TV,
to reflect our message or our opinions. Many
Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply
want to recognize that the vast majority of America
supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity
and support for our troops with dignity and respect
starts this Friday -and continues each and every
Friday until the troops all come home, sending a
deafening message that. Every red-blooded American who
supports our men and women afar will wear something
red.
By word of mouth, press, TV
let’s make the United States on every Friday a sea
of red much like a homecoming football game in the
bleachers. If every one of us who love this country
will share this with acquaintances, co-workers,
friends, and family. It will not be long before the
USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know
the once “silent” majority is on their side more than
ever, certainly more than the media lets on.
The first thing a soldier says when asked, “What can
we do to make things better for you?” was . . . We
need your support and your prayers. Let’s get the word
out and lead with class and dignity, by example. Wear
something red every Friday.
July 20th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Fact of observation…
July 21st, 2007 at 11:41 pm
WAL-MART REVISITED:
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing
the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old
t-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize
you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something required to complete the
job.. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20’s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30’s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot
of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you
don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.
In your 50’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have
it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy’s bait shop
and it says, “I Got Worms”.
In your 60’s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog
crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your
50’s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in
your pants.. The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t
have your glasses on so you can’t be sure.
In your 70’s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. Don’t’ even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
her grandfather.
In your 80’s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around
trying to think what the hell it is you’re looking for. That old lady
that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
July 26th, 2007 at 2:09 am
To all Pet Owners
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose
height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of
my
plate and food does not s take a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I
have been using the bathroom for years — canine or
feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat’s hiney. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
About Our Pets:
1 They live here. You don’t.
;;) 
=D> :-?? (*) :-@ 
2. If you don’ t want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That’s why they call it
“fur”nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn’t speak clearly.
[-X
July 26th, 2007 at 10:33 am
[-X :-t "To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly"
Its still an animal, not to be preferred to people, there are people that aren't as bad and abusive as many people can be. Experiments have shown that a lack of human companionship harms the health and even will result in the death of a toddler even with all their other needs provided.
(dont ask me how they got away with that research)
Animals are no substitute for family.
July 26th, 2007 at 10:41 am
:-?? yur post didn’t strickly fit the kat-igory of fun stuff now did it? ;;)
September 2nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Why does santa clause have three
gardens ?
So he can hoe-hoe-hoe
September 2nd, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Why did the blonde get fired
from her job at an M&M factory ?
Because she kept throwing out all W’s
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:27 am
Animals are no substitute for family? First of all, I don’t remember posting this. Secondly, I still agree with it. When someone has the kind of so called “family” that ‘SOME’ of us have, an animal is MUCH preferred. You see, THEY don’t critisize? and THEY give unconditional love and THEY don’t argue and try to pick a fight with you like OTHERS in the so called HUMAN race.
September 3rd, 2007 at 11:11 am
WHY DID ADAM GET
THE FIRST FIG LEAF ?
BECAUSE HE WORE THE PLANTS
IN THE FAMILY
September 3rd, 2007 at 11:13 am
WHAT DO YOU CALL A
SMALL BATHROOM IN
ROBIN HOOD’S HOUSE ?
THE LITTLE JOHN
September 3rd, 2007 at 11:16 am
Eh, don’t remember posting it but still agree. Ok …
A married man died and got thru the pearly gates only to
find there were two lines for married men.
The first one was about 10miles long with a sign that said “MEN whose wife controls them”
the other line had one guy in it
The sign said “Men whose wive(s) do not control them”
So this new arrival went to the lone man and asked
Why did you get in this line?
He quipped “I don’t know, my wife told me to.”
( I cant decide if polygyny would be liberating for men or not, especially if they gang up on you.)
September 6th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Peel Away Ads…
Peel Away Ads…
September 14th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Why did God create economists?
To make weathermen look good!
September 14th, 2007 at 10:22 am
New Year’s Resolutions You CAN Keep
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast. 7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1. 8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. 9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. 10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 11. Not have eight children at once. 12. Get in a whole NEW rut! 13. Start being superstitious. 14. Personal goal: bring back disco. 15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura. 16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. 17. Buy an ‘83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. 18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords. 20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. 21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. 22. Not eat cloned meat. 23. Create loose ends. 24. Get more toys. 25. Get further in debt. 26. Not believe politicians. 27. Break at least one traffic law. 28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. 29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. 30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 31. Stay off the MIR space station. 32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world. 33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home. 34. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. 35. Associate with even worse business clients. 36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. 37. Wait around for opportunity. 38. Focus on the faults of others. 39. Mope about my faults. 40. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.
September 14th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”
September 14th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”
September 14th, 2007 at 10:44 am
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”
September 14th, 2007 at 10:48 am
Clemson Wedding — A long, true story
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and groom’s families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people’s reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ”F— you !” he then turned to the bride and said ”F— you !” and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said….. ”Thanks, I’m out of here.”
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc…. Ya gotta love this guy.
September 14th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Hired Help
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ”Who is this?”
”This is the maid,” answers the woman.
”We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says, ”I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
The man says, ”Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies, ”She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ”Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
The maid says, ”What will I have to do?”
The man tells her, ”I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ”What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says, ”Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers, ”But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man says, ”Is this 567-5309?”
September 15th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
LOVE IT! Thanks PRECIOUS for a much needed break from “THE SKY IS FALLING AND THE WORLD IS ENDING” we hear all the time. Everything we eat,drink, breath, etc., is killing us…Woahooo is me. Lighten up and ENJOY life. God knows if I can do it, anyone can. ;;)
September 17th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Uh this section is here to be read or any number of sections can be but for those of us that cant get to Watch Dr. OZ everyday or dont even know about him why not talk about that stuff somewhere?
Not everyone everywhair is aware
that sodium benzoate
is a mitocondrial/metabolic disruptor; Have a pop and a smile?
September 29th, 2007 at 11:05 pm
How To Promote Tourism Like We Do In Rowan County:
1. Try to direct all people who enjoy outdoor family activities like picnics, hiking and camping, to Cave Run Lake.
2. Let all of the other outdoor picnic areas and campgrounds located inside of the county, and not located within a mile or so of Cave Run Lake, rot to the ground in an effort to force people to go to Cave Run Lake to participate in these types of activities.
3. If a place of historical interest or value is standing, tear it down and build a parking lot. Forget the fact that people travel cross country to see old train depots and the likes.
4. Keep all publicly owned campgrounds that aren’t located within one mile of Cave Run Lake closed to the public after dark. Forget the fact that people who drive RV’s across the country would be willing to spend a few nights at Rodburn Hollow at $7.00 a night, and forget that many tow their cars along in order to patronize local business while they’re here.
5. Focus on promoting Muskie Fishing at Cave Run Lake and heavily promote Golfing, preferably near the interstate so the Golf Course is just a few minutes drive to and from Cave Run Lake.
6. Quit having the Harvest Festival by not requesting that the Association Of Cities or Counties cover these types events under their insurance plans.
7. Pass a Fast Food and Restaurant Tax in addition to Sales Tax.
8. Let all county roads turn to stone and dust before you fix them, and then fill the the potholes so full of blacktop that people have a worse ride then before the road was patched, unless the road has a Golf Course, or a VIP lives or has family who lives along the road, and in those cases completely resurface those roads.
9. Promote Cave Run Lake and the local Golf Courses heavily but spend your vacation elsewhere.
10. Sell parking passes and tow all vehicles without one if parked in parking lots which are constructed upon public lands (like at Cave Run Lake for example). I know the city and county has little if any control over this, but I can’t continue without picking on the state and federal government.
Note: This IS in the “Jokes” section.
.
But it is also my personal opinion.
September 29th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
Well said. Why is it that the people elected (or bought elected officals), are so hell-bent on bringing in the tourist industry at the expense of those of us that live here 24/7? Don’t we as citizens have the right to live in peace and have places that are of interest to us and not just the hooty tooty high falootin golfers/high rollers, etc? How many people do YOU personally know that golf? I can’t name one. Not that’s there is anything wrong with golfing, I just don’t see it as something that most of us have in common around here. I miss our Harvest Festival and old time fairs, etc. Now if you want to enjoy some good old fashioned regional fun, there is the Morgan County Sorgum Festival going on right now. What a shame that the powers that be around here have destroyed our small town atmosphere for the almighty buck. [-X
October 13th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
THE ROOSTER
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says.
“Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says,
“According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.
He takes her hand and says,
“Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..
he said with a deep sigh….
“Let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”
October 18th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
2. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~ *~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me…they’re cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
18. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells
“THEIRS”?
October 23rd, 2007 at 2:14 am
Looking for attractive people? Don’t go to…
PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - Philadelphia is home to the least attractive people in the United States, a survey of visitors and residents showed on Friday.
The city of more than 1.5 million people was also found to be among the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly, according to the “America’s Favorite Cities” survey by Travel & Leisure magazine and CNN Headline News.
About 60,000 people responded to the online survey — at http://www.travelandleisure.com — which ranked 25 cities in categories including shopping, food, culture, and cityscape, said Amy Farley, senior editor at the magazine.
For unattractiveness, Philadelphia just beat out Washington DC and Dallas/Fort Worth for the bottom spot. Miami and San Diego are home to the most attractive people, the poll found.
But Farley pointed out the results don’t mean people in Philadelphia are ugly or the city is a bad place to visit.
“We were asking people to vote on attractiveness, not unattractiveness. Travel & Leisure editors believe there are a lot of attractive people in Philadelphia,” she said.
“The relative attractiveness of its residents is only a minuscule factor in evaluating a city’s merit.”
Philadelphians’ self-esteem has been undermined by national surveys showing they are among the fattest people in the United States. The American Obesity Association ranked the city in the top 10 for overweight people every year between 2000 and 2005.
And sporting pride in a city known for the fierce loyalty of its fans has been hurt by not having had a national champion in any of its four main sports since the 76ers won the National Basketball Association title in 1983.
October 30th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Mon Oct 29, 2:52 PM
CHICAGO (AFP) - A pack of hunting dogs shot an Iowa man as he went to retrieve a fallen pheasant, authorities said.
James Harris, 37, was shot in the leg while hunting with some friends on Saturday afternoon.
The group shot a bird which landed on the other side of a fence, the Iowa Department of Natural Resource said in a press release.
“Harris reportedly went to retrieve the bird, placed his gun on the ground and crossed the fence near the muzzle end,” the press release said.
“When he crossed the fence, hunting dogs stepped on the gun, which discharged and struck Harris in the left calf at a distance of roughly three feet.”
Harris was treated at a regional medical center and later transported by helicopter to an Iowa City hospital.
I SAY GOOD FOR THE DOG!
———
Couple dead serious about selling house 2 hours, 44 minutes ago
WEXFORD, Pa. - It’s the deal of a lifetime.
Bob and Ricki Husick of Pittsburgh are offering anyone who buys their home a full refund when they die.
The Husicks have been trying to sell their suburban home for almost a year, but have failed to do so in the current shaky market.
Some area homeowners have lowered prices, offered free trips and tried a variety of other gimmicks, but the Husicks came up with their own unique incentive.
The couple have no heirs and built the house in 1993. They want $399,900 for the four-bedroom, 3 1/2-bath home, which is located about 20 miles north of Pittsburgh.
Under the Husicks’ offer, the buyer would get the sale price back when they die.
Wait, there’s more: If the buyer agrees to care for the couple in old age, he could also inherit their retirement home in Arizona.
“Why not go for the works? So if we’re worth $2.5 million, you get it all,” said Husick, 55.
November 3rd, 2007 at 10:37 pm
PERFECT! A new car and TED Kennedy!—I just got this email from my Pastor and since dear old Ted is here, I thought I’d honor him with this funny email.—-
I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day
because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the
radio was voice activated.
“Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, “Ricky or
Willie?” “Willie!” and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.
Then he said, “Ray Charles!” and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind”
replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say,
“Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles,”
I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but
I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, “Idiots!” Immediately the
French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara
Streisand, backed up by The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al
Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry
Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Man……., I LOVE this car!
November 5th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Received this email today and it was just too good not to pass along.
Taking Offense
by Randy Robison
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his
glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11)
Recently, Cody Goodnight walked into a Family Dollar store in east Fort Worth to buy a couple of sodas for his five-year-old son and himself. The clerk, Ricky Young, had some difficulty with the scanner and attempted to make small talk while handling the register. Cody did not respond.
Once the sodas rang up, Cody paid in cash. Ricky felt insulted for being ignored, so he threw the change at Cody, scattering it on the floor. The 31-year-old father bent down to pick it up and at that point, Ricky later told police, muttered a racial slur and threatened him. So Ricky picked up a crowbar from behind the register and clubbed the man behind the ear.
Cody left the store without a word, went home and reported the incident to his mother. She and her husband contacted the police. When officers arrived at the discount store, Ricky was still working. They checked the surveillance video, but it had mysteriously been erased. They took Ricky’s statement claiming racism and self-defense and then informed him of one significant fact.
Cody Goodnight is deaf. When Cody was a toddler, high fever robbed him of his ability to hear. He can make guttural noises, but tries to maintain silence because people have made fun of him. He communicates via sign language.
“When you’re deaf, you don’t make a point of starting conversations with people,” Cody’s mother said. Yet at least one person took offense at this deaf man’s behavior, misconstruing it for disrespect.
Often we take offense — even when it’s not ours to take. Offense will come our way. We don’t have to go looking for it. When we do, we find offense in places where there is little or no cause for it. This is not simply foolishness, it is dangerous. It can lead to an overblown sense of victimization. Those who constantly take offense begin to feel as if life is not fair or that the world is out to get them. This mindset is diametrically opposed to Jesus declaration that Christians should “rejoice and be glad” when persecuted by the world (Matthew 5:11-12).
Dennis Prager, a brilliant author, lecturer and radio host, calls victimhood “the greatest single cause of evil.” He points out that Nazism arose from a sense of German victimhood, communism from a belief that the working man is the victim and Islamism from the idea that Muslims are victims of an oppressive Jewish-American conspiracy.
“The preoccupation of much of America with telling whole groups that they are victims — of racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia and classism, among other American sins — can only increase cruelty and evil in America,” Prager asserts.
Christians should not give in to the temptation to play the social martyr. We should stand up for our beliefs and defend the assaults on our faith, but never look for reasons to take offense. To the contrary, we must proactively forgive those who offend us, whether that offense is real or merely perceived. Otherwise, we play the part of the angry, bitter, reactionary victim. In that state of mind, we cannot respond with patience and love. Instead, we respond in a manner that genuinely gives offense.
This is true in society, church and family. Taking offense leads to conflict, strife and separation. It is the tool of the enemy. If we are to rise above the sins of this world and truly shine the light of Jesus Christ, we must move beyond giving or taking offense.
This Week
Forgive those who have offended you, just as God forgives our offenses. Resist the temptation to give in to the offenses of the world.
Prayer
“Father, forgive my trespasses, as I forgive those who trespass against me. Help me resist the temptation of victimhood, so that I can be delivered from anger, bitterness and vengeance. Give me your patience and grace so I can radiate your life and love.”
To read about Cody Goodnight’s progress since his attack, visit http://www.codyg.info/
November 5th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
Just an FYI Tech, bi-polar and schizo are not the same. There are two classifications of bi-polar and as far as schizo, to be classifed as schizo you have halluations? and hear voices,etc., I have even ask that question to a couple therapist and they ARE NOT related although several of the symptoms due overlap along with Borderline Personality, etc. I know you are well versed in just about every subject under the sun but you are wrong on this one and welcomed to connect any psych you wish to confirm that fact. Anyway, I’m cracked but by the Grace of God, not nuts. Yet!
November 6th, 2007 at 12:53 am
Skitzophrenia can be induced thru sleep deprivation &stress as can bi-polar and they are “treated” by the “professionals” with fluoride-laced anti-seziure meds from our friends and salesmen from the big pharma crowd that have no vested interest in curing anyone as that might hurt their pension, portfolio and sales commision. The “cures” are left to languish even after peer-reviewed research shows that very large percentage are no longer
delusional/hallucinating/catatonic
manic or even crippled by depression after a exaustive course of nutrition, exercise, essencential fats ect
November 7th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Silly laws:
Dying in parliament is an offence and is also by far the most absurd law in Britain, according to a survey of nearly 4,000 people by a television channel showing a legal drama series.
And though the lords were clad in their red and white ermine cloaks and ambassadors from around the world wore colourful national costumes, at least nobody turned up in a suit of armour. Illegal.
Other rules deemed utterly stupid included one that permits a pregnant woman to urinate in a policeman’s hat and murdering bow-and-arrow-carrying Scotsmen within the city walls of York, northern England.
A law stating that in Liverpool, only a clerk in a tropical fish store is allowed to be publicly topless, was also ridiculous, said a poll of 3,931 people for UKTV Gold television out Tuesday.
Nearly half of those surveyed admitted to breaking the ban on eating mince pies on Christmas Day, which dates back to the 17th century and was originally designed to outlaw gluttony during the rule of the Puritan Oliver Crowmell.
The laws and other regulations were culled from published research into ancient legislation that has never been repealed although subsequent statutes have rendered them obsolete.
Respondents were given a shortlist and asked to vote.
Most ridiculous British law:
1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 percent)
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (seven percent)
3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (six percent)
4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (five percent)
5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (four percent)
6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet (four percent)
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3.5 percent)
8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (three percent)
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (three percent)
10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (two percent)
November 9th, 2007 at 2:46 am
All drugs containing PHENYLPROPANOLAMINE are being recalled.
STOP TAKING anything containing this ingredient. It has been
linked to increased hemorrhagic stroke (bleeding in brain )
among women ages 18-49 in the three days after starting use
of medication. Problems were not found in men, but the FDA
recommended that everyone ( even children ) seek alternative
medicine.
THIS IS RIGHT UP TECH’S ALLEY AS HE HAS PREACHED AGAINST MANMADE MED’S FOR A LONG TIME.
The following medications contain Phenylpropanolamine:
Acutrim Diet Gum Appetite Suppressant
Acutrim Plus Dietary Supplements
Acutrim Maximum Strength Appetite Control
Alka-Seltzer Plus Children’s Cold Medicine Effervescent
Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold medicine (cherry or or ange)
Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine Original
Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold &Cough Medicine Effervescent
Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold &Flu Medicine
Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold &Sinus Effervescent
Alka Seltzer Plus Night-Time Cold Medicine
BC Allergy Sinus Cold Powder
BC Sinus Cold Powder
Comtrex Flu Therapy &Fever Relief
Day &Night Contac 12-Hour Cold Capsules
Contac 12 Hour Caplets
Coricidin D Cold, Flu &Sinus
Dexatrim Caffeine Free
Dexatrim Extended Duration
Dexatrim Gelcaps
Dexatrim Vitamin C/Caffeine Free
Dimetapp Cold &Allergy Chewable Tablets
Dimetapp Cold &Cough Liqui-Gels
Di metapp DM Cold &Cough Elixir
Dimetapp Elixir
Dimetapp ! 4 Hour Liquid Gels
Dimetapp 4 Hour Tablets
Dimetapp 12 Hour Extentabs Tablets
Naldecon DX Pediatric Drops
Permathene Mega-16
Robitussin CF
Tavist-D 12 Hour Relief of Sinus &Nasal Congestion
Triaminic DM Cough Relief
Triaminic Expectorant Chest &Head
Triaminic Syrup Cold & Allergy
Triaminic Triaminicol Cold &Cough
I just found out and called the 800# on the container
for Triaminic and they informed me that they are voluntarily recalling the following
medicines because of a certain ingredient that is causing strokes and seizures in children :
Orange 3D Cold &Allergy Cherry (Pink)
3D Cold &Cough Berry
3D Cough Relief Yellow 3D Expectorant
They are asking you to call them at 800-548-3708 with
the lot number on the box so they can send you postage for you to send it back to them, and they will also issue you a refund. If you know of anyone else with small children, PLEASE PASS THIS ON. THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF!
To confirm these findings please take time to check the
following:
http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/infopage/ppa/
November 13th, 2007 at 1:01 am
Long time comming eh?
“Not gennerally recognised as safe” this started in 2000?
We have received numerous requests for a list of products containing PPA. Since companies continue to reformulate their products, FDA is not maintaining a comprehensive, updated list of products that still contain PPA. FDA is aware of emails circulating widely that list many products allegedly containing PPA. These emails, however, generally contain dated and inaccurate information and should be ignored.
December 1st, 2007 at 11:54 am
Received this in an email and just had to pass it along.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to
the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
So he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to
keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some
“Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair” hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use
this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days
The lady says, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The druggist says, “Well if you’re using it on your legs don’t
shave for a couple of days.”
The lady says, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”
The druggist says, “Stay off your bicycle for a week.
December 9th, 2007 at 12:58 am
Propecia studies….
Propecia….
December 9th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Buy nexium….
Buy nexium on line. Buy nexium medication from online pharmacy. Buy nexium. Buy nexium online. Buy nexium at online pharmacy meds….
December 17th, 2007 at 5:52 am
BLONDE JOKE
The funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home
December 17th, 2007 at 6:10 am
What’s the biggest problem politicians suffer from in Washington ?
Truth Decay .
__________________________________
What does a tea kettle do when it’s angry ?
It just blows off a little steam .
December 18th, 2007 at 1:19 am
THE MUSTARD STORY
I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
“Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, “Now you know why they call that fancy mustard ‘Poupon.’
When you stop laughing, pass it on.
December 28th, 2007 at 11:50 pm
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are
totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in
mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is
yelling…. about women drivers; the woman says, ‘So you’re a man.
That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s
nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days’.
Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree with you
completely; this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…
women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Another miracle. My car is completely demolished but
this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine
and celebrate our good fortune.’
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands
it
back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the
cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’ The woman
replies, ‘No, I think I’ll just wait for the police…..’
December 31st, 2007 at 1:01 am
Gas Station Promotion
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,”Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray, it ain’t rigged, my wife won twice last week.”
December 31st, 2007 at 11:23 am
hmmmmmm, a
promotion to think about, I wunder how many “prize” winners there has to be for it to be a bonifide contest? I can think of a few that might beable to guess the right number LOL?
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:22 pm
A couple of totally true but useless info….
Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite
- And giraffes have no vocal cords
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Things you may not have known and makes ya go Hummmm…..
*Professional clowns register their faces with a face registry so that no two clown faces are exactly the same.
* Undereducated presidents are not a new phenomenon. Andrew Jackson, Andrew Johnson, and Zachary Taylor never even graduated from elementary school.
* Pigs kill more people than sharks every year.
* The Incas all had the same blood type (O+). (Postnote from Kat-I didn’t know I was Inca!)Dinka Doo!
* Robert Lewis Stevenson wrote Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde during a six-day cocaine binge.
* Before she was a master chef, Julia child was a spy. She served in India and China during WW II.
* The term “freelancing” dates from the twelfth century when knights who lost their employment with royal houses offered themselves as mercenaries.
* Switzerland didn’t allow women to vote until 1971.
* More people are injured each year on merry-go-rounds than on roller coasters.
* A simple, everyday yard mushroom can release more than one hundred million spores in an hour.
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:01 pm
usless facts?
Peanuts Kill more than terrorists
so do police Lets spend trillion quick:
http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/january2007/050107peanutskill.htm
When you said pigs kill more than sharks I about thot; loan-sharks verses police LOL?
…number of Americans killed as a result of international terrorism since the 1960’s gives us a benchmark from which we can correctly identify and target other dire dangers to our very way of life.
- Allergic reactions to peanuts
- Accident causing deer
- Lightning strikes
That’s correct - all of the above have killed an equal number of Americans since 1960 as terrorism. One could even categorize M&M’s, lost deer and the weather as an “axis of evil arming to threaten the peace of the world,” as George Bush famously once said.
January 4th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Oh good Gravy, take a chill pill. I get this book called, “1001 facinating useless facts” and share some for fun, and you want to start a debate. Allergic reactions weren’t part of the equation here. Just a fact that MOST people, including myself didn’t know and that was that peanuts are used in making TNT. Why does everything have to be anal-lyzed?
January 4th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Are you sure you don’t want to say anything about the giraffe’s? I mean considering they don’t have vocal cords and can’t speak for themselves. How about Julia Child? YIKES! You’d think more in the area of PIES not SPYS when she is mentioned.
January 4th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Fun stuff O.K. not a slight on you?
Giraffes are a bit of a evolutionary anomaly the blood vessels that keep them from having a stroke when dipping the head to drink water and then not faint when raising up to eat leaves or look for predators are pretty unique; kind of a broken link in evolutionary theory but easily dismissed by those that stick to evolution dogma still seek not a sign…eh?
http://wiki.cotch.net/index.php/The_giraffe_neck_couldn‘t_evolve_without_a_special_circulatory_system
kinda funny(if not too grisly) look at the giraffe issue:
http://www.evolutionfairytale.com/giraffe1.htm
January 5th, 2008 at 2:03 am
Received this email from my friend in South Dakota and she had no idea I had just found a book on ‘useless info’, etc. and I thought this was kinds cute……..
Good Morning, and a very happy “National Spaghetti Day”(Jan 4) to you all. We are having Spaghetti for supper tonight on this very important holiday! (Who thinks these things up, anyway???)
It is still cold here (in the 20’s F) but not as cold as it was a few days ago! (got down to about 6 below) But I shall venture forth as I have a dentist appointment today!
I have been doing my annual “Spring Cleaning as I put away the Christmas decorations” and today I am going to tackle my office space, even though “Clean off your desk day” is not until January 8th! (I looked up “Wacky Holidays” online and found out all kinds of worthless special days!)
Happy New Year to you all! (And don’t forget National Pie Day on January 23rd, or “Do a Grouch a Favor Day” on February 16, or “National Chocolate covered Raisin Day” on March24th. And, of course, that most important Holiday of the year: Sept 22: “Elephant Appreciation Day”!)
Peggy
(The bearer of useless information
January 7th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Why was the Blonde so excited that
she completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 20 weeks ?
Because on the box it said 8-12 years .
January 7th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
A police recruit was asked
during a exam , “what would
you do if you had to arrest your
own mother ? ”
He said “call for backup” .
January 7th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
What’s the difference between
a man and E.T. ?
E.T. phoned home .
January 13th, 2008 at 5:59 am
A STORY ABOUT BILL AND SAM…..
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam wasn’t concerned; he thought Bill
might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn’t shown up
for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn’t know
where Bill lived (the only time they
ever got together was at the park) he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.
On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.
Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,
‘For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?’
Bill replied, ‘I’ve been in jail.’
‘Jail?’ cried Sam. ‘You?! What on earth for?’
‘Well,’ Bill said, ‘you know Sue , that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’
‘Yes,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’
‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty.’
‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’
January 16th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
LONDON, England (AP) — From baggy briefs to the ultimate hotpants: A British woman’s underwear saved the day by doubling as an emergency fire blanket when her kitchen caught fire.
John Marsey and his cousin Darren Lines were frying bread in Jenny Marsey’s kitchen in Hartlepool, northeast England, on Sunday when their meal caught fire.
Lines grabbed the nearest thing from a pile of laundry to put it out: his aunt’s billowing, powder blue, size XL underpants.
He ran them under the faucet and tossed them onto the flames, successfully smothering the fire, a spokesman for the Cleveland Fire Brigade said, speaking on condition of anonymity in line with department policy.
Lines’ swift thinking saved the kitchen — but left his auntR