Jokes
Nighthawk originally wrote this as a Post, but I’ve converted it into a page and given it a home in the navigation. The information posted below the dashed line was added by Nighthawk. So, let’s see those jokes!!
(No dirty ones, please!)
-dave
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I guess I just as well kick this page off with a few things from the old site and hopefully nobody will get mad at me…
Cell Phone
There’s a bunch of guys in the locker room of the posh golf club. A cell phone rings and one of the men picks it up:
Man: Hello ?
Woman: Hi honey, you’re at the club ? Man: Yes dear
Woman: Oh honey, I jus saw the most fabulous outfit, only $3300, can I buy it ? Man: Sure honey !
Woman: Just found out that the Mercedes dealer got the new model in, only $80.000 Man: OK order it, but for that money I want all the extra’s in it.
Woman: And you know what, the house we’ve been looking at last year is up for sale again, they’re asking $1.200.000 Man: My precious, you just make a firm offer of $1.100.000 and go for it !
At this time all the guys in the locker room were gazing at him, he looks back and asks: Anyone know who’s cell phone this is ?
cheers, Leo.
REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I’ D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, “THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YOU’ MOTHER, BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’ I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
‘A Cat’s Guide To Human Beings’
So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human’s Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
- Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
- Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
- Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
- After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
- While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
I have many more of these… Matter of fact I think that I saved all of the jokes from the old site.
Maybe I’ll put some more of them up some day, but until then, Have Fun!
LOL Thanks Tech and Boo back at ya. VERY much aware of ‘that not christian group’ that baptize for the dead, as you know.
Just passing along an email I got today. Don’t shoot the messenger…..
LETTER FROM THE BOSS…..
As the CEO of this business that employees 65 people, I have resigned myself
to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our
taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for
these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in
our fees to them of about 10% but since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state
of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This
Has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here
and I didn’t know how to choose who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found six Obama
bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be
the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this
problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic
Don’t let your worries get the
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> best of you; remember, Moses started
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> out as a basket case.
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> Some people are kind, polite, and
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> sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
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> Many folks want to serve God,
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> It is easier to prea ch ten sermons
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> When you get to your wit’s end,
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> People are funny; they want the front
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> Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
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> Quit griping about your church;
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> If the church wants a better preacher,
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> it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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> God Himself does not propose to judge
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> Some minds are like concrete
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> Peace starts with a smile..
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> We were called to be witnesses,
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> not lawyers or judges.
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> Be ye fishers of men. You catch
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> Coincidence is when God
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> Don’t wait for 6 strong men
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> Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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> God promises a safe landing,
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> He who angers you, controls you!
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> Prayer:
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A few thoughts from the military to enlighten your day:
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
-Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance
“Aim toward the enemy.”
-Instruction printed on U.S. rocket launcher
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
-U.S. Marine Corps
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
-Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
-U.S. Air Force Manual
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
-General MacArthur
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
-Infantry Journal
“You, you, and you . . . panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sergeant
“Tracers work both ways.”
-U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
-Infantry Journal
“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”
-U.S. Navy swabbie
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
-David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”
-Infantry Journal
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
-Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.”
–Unknown source
“Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.”
-Unknown marine recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
-Your buddies
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
They really do walk among us…
Idiot
In a Michigan University college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .
It was pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, ‘What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?’
Yep, these are the same 18 year olds that just elected the new President of the United States .
A Louisiana Cajun was stopped by a game warden because he had two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a bayou, well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to catch those fish?’
‘Naw, sir’, replied the cajun. ‘I ain’t got none of dem there licenses. You gotta unnerstan’, dese here are my pet fish.’
‘Pet fish?’
‘Yeah. Evry night, I take dese here fish down to de lake and let ‘em swim ’round for ‘while. Den, when I whistle, dey jump right back into dis here ice chests and I take ‘em home.’
‘That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.’
The cajun looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ‘It’s de truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.’
‘O. K.’, said the warden. ‘I’ve got to see this!’
The cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, ‘Well?’
‘Well, what?’, says the cajun.
The warden says, ‘When are you going to call them back?’
‘Call who back?’
‘The FISH’, replied the warden!
‘What fish?’, replied the cajun.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
A young boy had just got his driver’s license and asked his dad if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “If you bring your grades up from C to B, study your Bible and get your hair cut … then we’ll talk about you borrowing the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You’ve brought your grades up and I’ve been watching studying your Bible. However, I’m a bit disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut.” The lad paused a moment then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s a strong argument that Jesus had long hair too.” To which his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. *REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the
other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when
he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there,
floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that
all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your
bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, “What,
are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your
beautiful bride.” He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at
my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
What’s the different between a pigeon and an investment banker? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
PREGNANT TURKEY STORY
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant
bird!”At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep…SHE’S BLONDE!
***Just passing on an email***
In an Auburn University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications
to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple – the
candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.?
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
the requirement to be a natural born citizen.?
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable
individuals from becoming president.?
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit
the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, ‘What makes a
natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
born by C-section?’?
Yep, these are the same 18 year olds that just elected the new President
of the United States!!?
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game”
when we are already there?
10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13… Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25.. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I dunno, why do we?
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think .
***How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
***The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
***.A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”
***She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Girl Friends
A group of 40-year-old ladies discuss where they
should meet for dinner.
Finally it’s agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters there are young
and gorgeous!
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the same ladies
discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant because the food is good and they have
a great wine selection.
10 years later, at 60 years of age, the same ladies
discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant because they can eat there in peace
and quiet and have a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at age 70, the same ladies discuss
where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant because it’s wheelchair accessible
and they even have an elevator!
10 years later, at age 80, the same ladies discuss
where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant, because none of them have ever
been there before.
Check your Driver’s License!!
I already removed mine….I suggest you all do the same.
Now you can see anyone’s Driver’s License on the Internet,
including your own!
I just searched for mine and there it was…picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security!
Go to the web site, and check it out. It’s unbelievable!!!
Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file.
After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked
“Please Remove.”
This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law
enforcement.
Please notify all your friends so they can protect themselves
too .Believe me they will thank you for it.
http://www.license.shorturl.com/
A Mother’s Tale
Three sons left home, started careers and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give their elderly mother for her seventieth birthday. The first said, “I built a big house for Mom.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks:
She wrote to the first son, “Milton, the house you built is not practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean the whole house.”
She wrote to the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
She wrote the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
BUBBA GOES TO THE DOCTOR:
Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??‘
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, “I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America’s people don’t want me to die.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Navy of the United States of America.” So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little girl said, “That’s okay, Mr. President. There’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”
(Kat Note: Personally I would have changed this to Obama took the schoolbag!). There’s always hope.